There are two things I often envision myself doing but I promise I will never, ever do:
#1: Drive my minivan straight down our street and into Lake Ontario.
This admission in writing will probably cost me jobs in the future. She's obviously unstable, potential employers will think, We can't hire her. I promise I will never ever do it. I am no Susan Smith. But every day I envision it. Never mind that I don't even know if there's an area where you can drive a car up to the edge of the water. I've never bothered to find one. (This is further evidence of my sanity). Besides, we just finished paying off this car and driving it into the lake would mess it all up. I don't want to do that.
But every day the lake calls to me, this blue-grey abyss at the bottom of our street. Every morning when I drive the kids to school I see it on the horizon, no sign of land on the other side, a freshwater ocean full of unseen creatures. I don't want to turn toward home. I want to join them. Not in a tragic way with me grasping for door handles and gasping for air and drowning dramatically, but in a Yellow Submarine way where I travel through the blue-grey abyss and see fantastical animals on my underwater journey back to America. I end up somewhere near Buffalo and smuggle myself back into the States unnoticed.
#2: Roll down my minivan window and yell to random people running errands: WHY ARE YOU OKAY WITH STRUGGLING HERE? THERE ARE SO MANY OTHER BEAUTIFUL PLACES YOU CAN LIVE THAT ARE WAY LESS EXPENSIVE AND STRUGGLY!!
Which is very rude. I don't even know what I would do if they yelled back at me. It's better not to yell at each other in most situations, I've found. I usually never yell at people which may be why I fantasize about rolling down my window and abruptly loudly questioning random strangers as to why in the world they would want to live here. They were just trying to buy a cup of coffee after all. Who am I to tell them this place sucks? They all seem to like it. Apparently I'm the only one who doesn't want to be here.
I hereby promise to keep my car on the land and not yell at strangers. I can't help if I often imagine doing otherwise though.